The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
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Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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