Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
