i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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