there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
