the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
