My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you will always have a special place in my vag
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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