i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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