Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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