I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
