the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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