great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
