At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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