she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
