I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm like, not good at living.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
