I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
