Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
