no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
