If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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