I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
