I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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