I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
