Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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