So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
