What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
