it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
