i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
