NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
