i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
