My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
