Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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