i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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