i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
