So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
