He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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