I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
