the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
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you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
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I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.