I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
