i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize