I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can I color on your dick again?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
