Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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