Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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