this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
