Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
