Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I could make wine with my vomit
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
