i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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