Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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