Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
