Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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