My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
