It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
