Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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