id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
