Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
