you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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