i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
