dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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